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Hello there! I'm 13 and happened to just write or edit this and need some honest criticism on this. I'd like to know if it's good or bad? If it's bad then what can I do to improve it? I also want to know if I capture the feeling of the angel good enough, Thank you so very much if you respond! Also is it okay if I give away this much in the beginning? Does it leave you wondering?


When people try to imagine what an angel looks like, they most commonly picture us as beautiful, spiritual creatures. People think that we have soft, pale skin , golden sparkling haloâs above our heads, and that we dress in white, flowing robes twenty-four hours.


Well, Iâm sorry to rain on your imagination, but not all of us are like that. In fact, if people could just open their eyeâs once in a while. Theyâd actually see me. That nearly invisible little girl, with mousy brown hair huddled under an oak tree trying to escape the rain

I probably donât look like that spiritual creature you were trying to imagine a moment ago, with the pale skin, halo and robes. Though I do have wings, and I am a very important angel: a guardian angel in fact.







It was raining again for the billionth time today, so I was waiting for the rain to pass by standing under a tall oak tree on the pavement near a bunch of shops. All around me men with professional looking, black brief cases and business women with star bucks coffee in their hands, walked in their own separate direction. I felt so out of place here, like I didnât belong. For the first time that I could actually remember it, I felt really, truly lonely. I was tired and hungry, but the worst part was that I couldnât stop going over my plan and why I was here in the first place.



First you may wonder, shouldnât I be up in heaven? Well, yes and no. I could be in heaven but of course I chose myself to go on this quest, and to be Elisabeth Hopeâs guardian angel. I mean no one else was volunteering for the job so I figured why couldnât I do it? Now, Iâm down here on earth to find her and warn her before itâs too late of who she really is.
Iâm down here to also prove myself right, to in fact prove to everyone, that I, Lillian Doe, can do this. Everyone, even God himself thinks that this challenge is way too much for me, they all think that Iâm irresponsible too. Though I think I totally have this under control. Yeah it was way harder then I imagined back when I was applying for the quest, but now Iâm pretty sure that finding her will be a piece of cake!


If only it was, Iâve been searching the entire coast of Monterey California for days! If you think that Bell the head archangel of quests, had actually provided me with enough information to find Elisabeth. Then youâve got it all wrong, all I really know about her, is that sheâs a thirteen year old prophet, and that she lives somewhere here in Monterey.
Itâs like trying to find a needle in a haystack only different, like trying to find the prophet in the mortal town before some undenying dark force getâs to her first.
Super easy right?
I had only a few more places to check before I gave up on myself with this whole quest thing. Carmela and Oceana.

Answer
I think this is a good story - you have a great "voice" that's very personable and engaging. I found myself interested in this little creature and wondering what she was about. As a writer that's what you want to do - make the reader care about your character and wonder "what's next". Here's a few suggestions on what would have made this story better to me:

1. Use less words. Excessive words bog the story down. The tighter your sentences, the more concise and clearer they become. As an example, I've edited the first three paragraphs:

When people try to imagine what an angel looks like, usually they picture us as beautiful, spiritual creatures with soft, pale skin, golden sparkling haloâs above our heads, and that we dress in white, flowing robes twenty-four hours a day. Iâm sorry to rain on your imagination, but not all of us are like that. In fact, if people could just open their eyes once in a while, theyâd actually see me. That nearly invisible little girl, with mousy brown hair, huddled under an oak tree trying to escape the rain. I don't look anything like that creature you imagined.

But I do have wings. And I am a very important angel. A Guardian Angel in fact.

The unedited version has 136 words; the edited has 117 words and to me feels much smoother. I separated the part about her wings for emphasis. I got the sense that Lillian is a realist - she know what the expectations of others are (people on earth, God, other angels), she's aware of her shortcomings, but she's also aware of her strengths (the wings, her sense of importance, and her courage in taking on a challenging task).

2. Watch your grammar and spelling: "Starbucks" not "star bucks". "...open their eyes" instead of "open their eye's".

3. Review your sentences for clarity. This one was confusing: "Yeah it was way harder then I imagined back when I was applying for the quest, but now Iâm pretty sure that finding her will be a piece of cake!" I think you were trying to say that in the beginning she thought it was going to be a piece of cake, however using the words "but now" brings her thought process into the present and gives the impression that she still thinks it's a piece of cake. Replacing those words with something like "and was so sure" clarifies the meaning. There were also places where two sentences were used instead of one: "In fact, if people could just open their eyeâs once in a while. Theyâd actually see me." Instead, this should be written as: "In fact, if people could just open their eyes once in a while, theyâd actually see me."

These suggestions are really the easy part of writing. You've nailed the hard part: creating an interesting character with an interesting story to tell. If you haven't done so already, I suggest you get a dictionary, thesaurus, Strunk & White's "The Elements Of Style". I also recommend Stephen King's "On Writing" and Ann Lamott's "Bird by Bird". Best wishes to you and keep on writing! (Forgot to mention, I don't think you gave too much away. The little hints such as her name, being a prophet held my interest)